Writing is like home. No matter how long you’ve been gone, you’ll eventually find your way back.
It was the first. First letter I ever received from a guy friend or something over than that but not something beyond the boyfriend and girlfriend flirting with each other scenario. But this letter was not the good-bye type instead this was simply the start of everything.
He was definitely my first love though I know I am not his. He had relationships with several girls out there, I’m certain that he flirted with some, and he was a badass but in a good way.
He joked around and made people laugh a lot. He was definitely the ‘joker’ of the class back then. He was also a bully to some but he knew when to back off. He has been appealing to girls and I believe he still does.. He played basketball (until now); he indeed is a great player. I still admire him for that!
He was the first guy to call me by that name.. “Bei…”, The way he said it gave me chills, it gave me butterflies in my stomach, it made me smile for a day.
He was unpredictable. He was romantic but in a more cute and playful way. One time we played truth or dare together our circle of friends.. He was asked to describe his crush.. And he said things like ‘mabait’, ‘maganda’, ‘maputi’, ‘matalino’ and other words we consider highfalutin for a guy to use when describing his crush. (Enough to make a girl feel flattered or even cry because of happiness!) And we almost died out of curiosity, we even dropped names of almost all the girls in our school expect mine. And after sometime we had our ‘alone’ time, he said I was the one he was referring to. I thought he was blind to describe me as ‘maputi’ and ‘maganda’. I really thought he was joking or worse he was just hallucinating. But he did made my heart skip a beat.
As a I mentioned earlier, he loves to play basketball. There was a time when we were killing our time in the gym, he went to the court, held the ball in his hands but his back was facing the ring, as he was about to throw the ball suddenly he shouted “Para kay Bei!” and it was a 2-point shot. Amazing! I do not remember how did I manage to go through that day. Oh, I love basketball players. Haha. Whenever they are in a game or just in the court to kill their time, they play for you. Trust me, it’s sweet!
And there were a lot of times (almost all the time) that he pops out everywhere and suddenly wraps his arm around my shoulder (we call it ‘akbay’; he was such an akbay guy!) He sticked with me and even his friends noticed it and they were asking me if he was courting me or whatever the thing between us.
I even remember the time when his friends was playing a joke with me, I would never ever forget his expression when he was telling them to stop. I loved him since then but what does an eleven-year old know about love back then? Nothing.
But then, that something between us seemed to grow every day we see each other, every day we learn about each others likes and dislikes. I saw his soft side. A guy who’s caring, gentle, protective, loving and respectful. He was the type of guy who tells you if something is wrong, something isn’t nice about your outfit or even accessories.
One time, I had put a bunch of black bangles around my wrist and he was the one who said that ‘Tanggalin mo nga yan, ang dugyot tignan!’.. So basically he didn’t find it cool. Haha. He was so honest. So bossy but in a cute way.
Also, there was an ongoing drama series back then entitled ‘Katorse’, a romantic melodrama about teenagers under rough circumstances that go agaisnt their love story. He said he was ‘Jojo’ and I was his ‘Nene’. It was corny but cheesy. I can’t help it and every time I remember it I makes me laugh.
He even suggested the song ‘My love for you is here’ by Erik Santos to be our song IF we got into that stage.. Stage when we can call one another as boyfriend and girlfriend or other lame but sweet names. Lastly, a stage when we didn’t get into. We were so young to be on that stage.
Age was never became our problem. He didn’t pressure me at all. Even until now I wonder why we did not got to that stage.. Haha. Maybe time passed us by and we didn’t even notice. At least, we end up in good terms… what we had was an innocent, cool, playful, a lot of fun, and a love love experience!
You, if you still don’t know… thank you for being my first. Though we are just a memory now.. thank you for giving me such wonderful memories to look back for.
To whoever is reading this, Not all first loves can make it through, but first loves are meant to be treasured and cherished. Even if it’s your first heartache, it still does because there’s nothing that compares to the first time you fall in love.
Don’t expect me to love you back because after all this time you still manage to make me feel horrible of myself, you still make me sad, you still make me cry. Damnit! I had enough shit in my life so can you please just leave and stop making me look like a bad person.. I’m tired of your drama. I’m tired of you. I’m tired of this damning nonsense crap!
Because of you I laughed, got mad, fought and felt pain. It was all first for me. I didn’t think I had a heart. I built a wall around me so people can’t get close. I never trusted anyone since when I was a child nor let people into my life. I tried so hard not let anyone in, but I seem different around you. I didn’t want to give my heart way.. But for the first time in my life, there’s someone that I’ve given my heart to… and that’s you..
Love is when you want that person to yourself. You want her time, you want her smell, you crave for her hugs, you want to stick around and constantly touch her and you definitely don’t want to miss every little thing about her.
Love makes you greedy.. You surely don’t want her to look at other men, you only want her stares, her smiles for yourself. It makes you do silly things can just to be with that person. When you do, you forget other people around you, you become aggressive and courageous enough to cross bridges that you never thought of, you transform into someone whom you never imagine.
Love is selfish.. You do everything you can to protect her from things that might cause her pain. You become an enemy of those who try to steal her from you.. You do your ‘thing’ for love.. for her… You definitely don’t want to lose her.